


Sand from the Red Desert

by tromana



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Angst, Case Fic, Drama, Flashbacks, Gen, Prisoner of War, Reverse Big Bang Challenge, The Mentalist Reverse Big Bang 2013
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 05:49:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tromana/pseuds/tromana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cho starts suffering from panic attacks during a case, Jane and Lisbon are determined to find the solution, one way or another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kimball Cho wheezed and coughed as he tried desperately to catch his breath. He cursed himself for showing such weaknesses, but he couldn't help it. This was something that was out of his control.

He was trapped in a safe room with a dead body. Congealed blood littered the floor; this man had been dead for at least a week and the stench was intoxicating as a consequence. However, the body didn't faze Cho. What did was the simple fact that the door to the safe room had slammed shut behind him. He was now akin to a caged animal, desperately trying to regain his freedom.

As oxygen deprivation took over, his vision blurred and he found himself stumbling in the room, needing something to give him support and hold onto. This wasn't what he had expected when he had turned up at work this morning, but panic attacks weren't something he was unfamiliar with either. However, he hated the fact that he was showing such weakness with his boss and Patrick Jane in such close proximity. His fear of enclosed spaces - and specifically, being unable to escape them and losing that control - was something that he had tried to keep hidden for a long while. There were reasons behind it - there always was - but that was something that nobody else needed to know about.

Vaguely, he heard Lisbon and Jane's voices from the other side of the door. Cho couldn't quite make out what they were saying, and frankly, he didn't care either. He just wanted out of this room and to go outside. He needed to feel the sun beating down on him, the gentle breeze tickling his skin, to hear the sound of bird call and the distant hum of traffic on the freeway. He needed to remember that he was alive and free, and that the vast majority of his problems were safely buried in the past, where they belonged.

Eventually, he caught sight of Lisbon standing directly in front of him. He hadn't even realized that she and Jane had managed to crack the code and get the door open. Cho didn't know just how long he had been shut in there - it could have been hours, days even for all he knew - but deep down, it was probably just minutes. However, that had still been more than enough to succeed in triggering such an excessive reaction in him. Soon enough, he felt Lisbon place a firm hand on his left shoulder and she stared at him. There was that obvious look of concern and pity in her eyes; this was a look she often used when regarding a certain Patrick Jane. That only made him feel worse; Lisbon was meant to respect him like he respected her. He was meant to be her reliable second in command who was always in control of a situation. She most certainly wasn't supposed to look at him as if she felt sorry for what he was going through. That wasn't his role in the Serious Crimes Unit. It wasn't how he liked to portray himself to the wider world, either.

"Cho," she said, her voice laced with authority and concern. "Sit down."

"I'm fine," he rasped in response. It was a lie and they both knew it. But it was so much easier to deny these things than actually acknowledge them. He didn't want his boss and friend to see him like this. In some ways, it was a reprieve that Jane wasn't poking his nose around. Instead, the consultant was hanging back in the office which the safe room was connected to. However, Cho knew that that wouldn't stop him from trying to investigate this issue later on. It was inevitable; Jane was happy to solve anyone's problems but his own ones.

"Sit down," Lisbon repeated, her voice more firm this time. "That is an order."

He knew that he had to comply. There were times when it just wasn't worth arguing with Teresa Lisbon. It was the reason she was the boss and he was not. She understood how to operate a team and lead them effectively. Cho knew that he was too busy maintaining a front and hiding his past to be a capable team leader. He'd been offered the role in the past, but knew he was happy where he was. Besides, the Serious Crimes Unit was filled with people who were easy to work with and get along with and he wasn’t willing to leave them, no matter how much of a raise he was offered. He enjoyed not having the same levels of responsibility that he had once had in the army. He was relieved that he didn't have to make the tough decisions anymore. The lives of his coworkers didn't hang in the balance because of him. All he had to do now was follow orders and get on with the job.

Still, he collapsed onto his knees, barely two meters away from the body. A part of his mind screamed out that this was wrong, that he was contaminating the crime scene and making the job harder for forensics to do. He couldn’t even factor in the reality that the forensics was going to be complicated anyway; the body had been left for a comparatively long while. But the rest of him was simply relieved to feel firm ground beneath him once again.

"Cho, I want you to take deep, slow breaths in and out for me. Can you do that?"

Lisbon had knelt down beside him and tentatively, he nodded. As he carried out the breathing exercises that she instructed him to do, he slowly found the constriction in his chest and air passageways loosening. Slowly but surely, he could feel everything getting back to normal as the panic attack slowly subsided. It was only when he stood up and Lisbon smiled wryly at him that he truly felt like he was back to normal.

However, that didn’t stop him from feeling horribly embarrassed about the display he’d just given her and Jane. In fact, it horrified him to his core that they had seen him show any weakness at all in the first place. Cho tried to tell himself that it was inevitable somebody would witness him having a panic attack, and that it would have happened sooner or later, but his personal pride just wouldn’t accept it.

That also didn’t change the fact that he knew Jane was going to start investigating this issue. And that, specifically, was what Cho dreaded the most about this sorry outburst.


	2. Chapter 2

"Cho, we need to have words about what happened earlier."

Carefully, he placed his pen down and rose to his feet. Automatically, he followed Lisbon through to her office, cringing on the inside as he did. In truth, having this talk with her was probably the lesser of two evils. Half of him had expected Jane to start needling him about what happened long before his boss decided to talk to him about it. Even so, he couldn't say that he was looking forward to it. Just because he intrinsically trusted Teresa Lisbon, it didn't necessarily mean that he wanted to divulge the innermost details of his past or his personal demons to her. Their relationship was based entirely on mutual respect and that was also the case when it came down to their private lives.

But, as boss, she did need to know what were the triggers and causes of the panic attack. As a professional team leader, it was what was expected of her. It was her duty to protect her subordinates from anything untoward, even in a dangerous career path such as this and Cho knew that Lisbon took her job very seriously. In truth, this reaction was what most people would have expected of her as a friend as well. None of that made it any easier though. In some ways, he was grateful that he'd had a little time to mentally prepare for this conversation. After all, it had taken several hours for her to carve out the time to speak with him about it. Since this morning, they had been busy interviewing various persons of interest. At this very moment, Jane, Rigsby and Van Pelt were busy following up a promising lead with the victim's estranged nephew while he was meant to be following up the paper trails.

Once safely settled inside her office with the doors tightly shut, Cho took the seat directly opposite Lisbon. He watched carefully as she folded her hands on top of her desk and regarded him seriously. It was an expression he was familiar with, but he still felt uncomfortable. However, he masked his feelings with practiced ease and instead matched her gaze with a similarly serious one of his own. Cho knew he wasn't going to be the one to break this uncomfortable silence first; she was. It was always that way anyway.

"So," she eventually said, just as expected. "What happened this morning?"

"I had a panic attack."

Lisbon rolled her eyes in response to his stating the obvious. She didn't appear impressed either. Again, he expected that reaction from her. A part of him felt guilty for making what was already a difficult conversation to be having even worse for her, but he also knew that he couldn't help it. This contrary behavior had been a facet of his personality since childhood; even the regimental training of the army hadn't been entirely successful at quashing it.

"And do you know what triggered it?"

He knew exactly what triggered it. During a recent case, he had been briefly kidnapped and beaten by his captors. One of the perpetrators had been shot dead by Lisbon herself, and the rest were now safely behind bars, awaiting trial. He was still in the process of receiving counseling for the 'traumatic' experience that he had endured, but had been swiftly cleared as being fit for work in spite of his continuing treatment. And, even though he knew that Lisbon probably wouldn't believe it, he wasn't making these conversations any easier with his counselor than he was with her. That was because this recent attack wasn't the sole issue for today's panic attack.

The main issue was the memories it had unlocked in the back of his mind. Everything he had once believed he'd dealt with had come flooding back to the forefront of his mind. Cho knew that certain aspects of his behavior had changed: he avoided walking home alone at night, refused to use the elevator even though it was generally seen as a convenience for the rest of the team and the like. Being suddenly trapped in an enclosed space like that safe room had just pushed him over the edge once again. He hated himself for the loss of control, but he also knew that he would have to keep working hard to find a solution for it. To him, it was just like the time he went cold turkey after his brief addiction to prescription painkillers. However, he knew that the answer to this issue most certainly wasn't going to come from any crackpot psychologist that the CBI had assigned him to, nor was it going to come in the form of any medication. And as much as he knew that Lisbon cared, he sincerely doubted that she would have any answers for him either. This was all in his head and that was that.

When he refused to answer, she sighed heavily. He knew that his stubbornness was irritating her - it was probably reminding her a little too much of Jane as well - but he honestly didn't know what to say. Before this impromptu meeting, he had planned exactly what he was going to say to her and what he was going to leave out. Now the situation was presented to him, all his careful decision making had gone flying straight out of the window. Now, he just wished he could escape this glass prison of an office. The only small mercy - and the only reason why he wasn't having yet another panic attack - was that he knew that it was physically impossible for the doors to Lisbon's office to be locked.

"Kimball, did you come back to work too soon after...?"

“I’m fine,” he answered back shortly.

“I knew you’d say that.” She looked briefly to her computer screen and Cho couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in her mind. “I don’t want you to become a risk to yourself or others.”

“I have it under control.”

She raised a skeptical eyebrow; nobody could blame her for not believing him. However, it felt safer to lie, to pretend to himself that he was okay. Perhaps, if he denied it for long enough, then it would really come true. He hated knowing that he was so out of control of his own body, but he was determined to conquer his demons. The only problem was, the only person he truly trusted to sort it out was himself.

“It was a one-off incident. It won’t happen again,” he assured her, lying through his teeth.

“Can you really promise me that?”

Cho shrugged his shoulders, and stood up. Lisbon remained seated and he was relieved that she didn’t push him to continue the conversation. When he reached her office door and his hand brushed against her door handle, it was then that she decided to speak up once again.

“If you need any help…”

“I will come to you.”

“Promise me?” she pushed gently.

Tentatively, he nodded. It was better to know that he could talk to her if – or when – it felt more comfortable for him to do so. Besides, it was probably only a matter of time before Patrick Jane was on his case. As he strode out of Lisbon’s office, although partially relieved to be free from that glass cage, he couldn’t help but wonder if he had made the wrong decision.


	3. Chapter 3

Cho was exasperated when he realized that Patrick Jane was beaming down at him. He had genuinely expected that the others would take far longer to get back to the CBI headquarters after chasing down the lead. Warily, Cho looked up at the irritating, though admittedly, oft-useful consultant and saw that Jane was already idly stewing a cup of tea as he gazed down at him. Of course he would have stopped by the kitchenette before making his way through to the bullpen; some things were merely expected of specific people. Jane wouldn’t be Jane if he didn’t have his regular supply of tea. However, Cho couldn't help but believe it was a shame that Jane had chosen to bother him in lieu of Lisbon.

"What do you want Jane?" Cho asked cautiously.

"Oh, nothing," Jane answered, shrugging his shoulders in a noncommittal way.

"You're never after 'nothing'."

"Of course I am. You don't know what I wouldn't give for a day without worry about what Red John will do next."

"What do you want?" Cho repeated; it was only natural that he was keen to get rid of him.

Instead of merely answering his question, Jane placed his tea on Cho's desk and pulled up a seat. Then, he sat down, picked up his teacup and took a sip of the steaming hot liquid. After swallowing, he let out a sigh of genuine contentment before placing it down again and looking at him seriously. Cho should have known that would happen. Sometimes, it was better not to engage Jane in conversation, otherwise it gave him an opening to dig deeper.

"You know, this blend is awfully relaxing. It can really ease the stressed mind. Would you like some?"

"No."

Jane shrugged his shoulders. "Suit yourself."

"Jane, I'm busy."

"With paper trails?” Jane pushed, arching a questioning eyebrow. “Meh. Surely you can find something far more interesting to do?"

"Surely you have leads you should be telling the boss right now?"

"It was a dead end," he replied quickly.

This was one of those moments when Cho wasn't entirely sure whether or not Jane was telling the truth. There were times when it was easy to read Jane, others less so. This was one of those occasions where Jane was far too invested in something other than the case in question that it made it hard to know whether or not he was just deflecting.

At that point, Cho promptly decided that it wasn't worth bothering with Jane anymore and he turned to face his computer screen once more. Contrary to Jane's belief, the paper trails that he was currently chasing up were actually quite fascinating. Not only that, but he was almost certain that he was going to make a breakthrough in it sooner rather than later. Besides, it was still only early afternoon. If he got it done quickly, then there was the possibility of them dealing with it tonight. Leaving it until the morning would give the potential for the lead to go cold. It was basically Cop 101. Even in the most basic of cases, time was of the essence. If it took a little longer than absolutely necessary to close a case, then things could quickly get out of hand. But of course, Cho knew Jane liked the idea of chaos. It distracted him from the pain that surrounded his every waking moment. That was something that Cho admittedly found rather easy to relate to. In fact, that was probably true of the whole team. They all had their demons and they all had a reason they ultimately ended up in law enforcement, one way or another.

Naturally, Cho didn't expect ignoring Jane to succeed in making him go away. On the contrary, he knew that Jane was finding him particularly fascinating since that dreadful panic attack. After all, it was only on very rare circumstances when Kimball Cho wasn't in complete control of himself. Having unwillingly revealed this new facet of his personality was probably something that Jane was having a field day with. Out of the corner of his eye, he could practically see the cogs in Jane's head whirring away, trying to solve the puzzle of why he'd had that panic attack. But Cho still wasn't willing to entertain Jane's curiosity. His past had nothing to do with him. He didn't need to know what had happened to him while he'd been in the army. For the most part, it didn't affect him in the here and now whatsoever. Instead, it had merely carved him into the person he was today and the details of it were completely irrelevant.

Except, to Jane, it was a mystery that needed solving and he wouldn’t leave it alone until he did just that. Right now, Kimball Cho, the solid, dependable, stoic detective was a mystery that was probably far more fascinating than finding yet another murderer. Especially so as the body was already a week old and that complicated matters, to a certain extent; the case had had the potential to go cold from the offset. It wasn't above the Serious Crimes Unit, of course. They had reclaimed their highest closed case record once more, much to Lisbon's relief. But, even though it wasn't too difficult for them, it did seem like Jane already viewed it as being too simplistic for him. Annoying Cho himself was far more alluring for this man, clearly.

As Jane continued drinking his tea, sighing happily and smacking his lips together in appreciation, Cho continued to refuse to allow him to distract him. The noise was irritating, but Cho was used to irritating. How long had he worked with both Patrick Jane and Wayne Rigsby? With those kinds of co-workers, it would have been enough to drive anyone mad. Not Cho though. Cho was made of solid stuff and besides, he liked them and found them quite amusing on occasion. Rigsby especially was easy to wind up when he wanted to. Cho knew exactly how to push his buttons. But, Wayne Rigsby was just like an open book. However, all that was far from his mind for now. He was working diligently and getting results with every passing minute. Within ten minutes, it all came together nicely and Cho saw exactly what he needed to know. Quickly, he extracted his pocket notebook and scribbled down the pertinent information before rising to his feet. Just as he expected, Jane followed suit and tracked him straight into Lisbon's office.

“Off to see our illustrious leader?” Jane spoke lightly.

“Where else would I be going?”

“I don’t know, maybe for a physical after…”

Jane trailed off, but the insinuation was enough. Cho didn’t have panic attacks. He was in control. Except right now, he wasn’t able to stay in control, not like he used to. But Cho didn’t need to see a doctor; he knew exactly what the problem was. It was like little grains of sand had got stuck in his mind and he couldn’t rid himself of them. Only time would wash it all away. Or at least, it would bury the sand in the more appropriate places in his mind. These memories had come back unbidden and it was only going to take time to sort it all out again.

But for now, the case was the priority. Besides, work provided him with an appropriate distraction from his own personal dramas. It was a shame that the same couldn’t be said for Jane though.


	4. Chapter 4

The meeting with Lisbon went comparatively smoothly and swiftly. He could see the worry etched on her features, but she didn’t press him to speak to her. Cho liked that about her; he knew that he could come to her in his own time. That didn’t necessarily mean that he pressed her with every minor detail – in fact, he rarely confided in her at all – but it was just nice to know that she was there. In comparison, Jane was like a hyperactive golden retriever puppy, desperately begging for his attention. Jane still hadn’t left his side and was still pushing for him to actually speak up about his issues.

But Cho wasn’t going to do that. You couldn’t change the past, no matter how much you wanted to. All you could do was focus on the future and alter the present accordingly to get what you want. After all he had been through Cho wasn’t much of a believer in fate. He couldn’t accept that life was neatly planned out and that you passed through it from point a to point b. His life had been far too chaotic for that. That was something that, theoretically, Jane should have understood better than most. But, his idea of expressing care and concern for somebody was by meddling. Usually Lisbon was the recipient of this, but for now, Jane was giving her a reprieve.

The boss sent him away to chase up the lead and for a moment, Cho was grateful for a reason to escape the office. However, when she added the fateful words of ‘take Jane and Rigsby with you’, his heart sank. While he liked both of them well enough, he knew that neither of them knew when to stop pestering somebody. They weren’t going to leave him alone for an instant. But of course, he didn’t argue with Lisbon. He knew that she would only ask him to do something with good reason and he appreciated that he would potentially need support. After all, he was about to head into a mafia mobster’s hideout, just to ask a few simple questions.

Cho shuddered at the very thought. These guys were famed for just how unpredictable they were. The murderer had dragged a man into his own safe room and left him there to bleed to death. Sooner or later they were going to come across the individual responsible. However, all Cho could think about was his personal experience. He remembered the panic attack clearly, and worse, the two kidnapping incidents he had had to endure. The most recent hadn’t been so bad. Lisbon and Van Pelt, with Jane’s assistance, had located him within twenty four hours. But he had been tied and beaten several times. Neither of his captors had been guilty of the murder in the end – the wife of one of them had been the killer - but they had been fearful of being arrested because of prior altercations with the police. Needless to say, they were both safely behind bars once more, even if Cho’s bruises were yet to heal.

But enclosed spaces made him feel cautious now. He could already feel his chest tightening as he headed towards the elevator with Jane and Rigsby in tow.

At the last second he veered away from it, and headed for the staircase. The idea of being trapped in a metal box was just too much for him. He needed to be in control so that he wouldn’t have another panic attack. If he did that in front of Jane and Rigsby, then he would have just felt too much shame over the incident. After all, he was Kimball Cho. He was famed for being totally under control of his emotions and self-expression. People weren’t meant to know what he was thinking or how he was feeling about it.

“Hm, interesting,” Jane muttered from behind him.

“What is?” Rigsby added.

Cho gritted his teeth and resisted the urge to tell them to shut up. There was nothing interesting about walking downstairs over taking the elevator. He could have been doing it for health reasons. He might not have wanted to waste time chasing up a lead by waiting for the metal box to rise to their floor. That was what he told himself, but he knew it was a terrible lie. He also knew that it was inevitable that Jane knew exactly why he had avoided the elevator. He had seen the panic attack. Jane probably had a very shrewd idea of everything that triggered it.

But that didn’t mean that he was going to talk.

All the way to the mobster’s hideout, Cho had to endure listening to the two men gossiping like school girls. If they weren’t talking about Van Pelt, or the secretary who had just started, or the old cleaner who supposedly left for a new position, then they were talking about him. It irked Cho how they acted as if he wasn’t there, sitting in the back seat and pretending to read his latest novel. Gossip annoyed him and even more so when he was the center of it all. But soon they would have a distraction. They had a case to close and a lead to follow up. That was why he was here, enduring this ludicrous situation.

During the questioning of the mobster, it was hardly a surprise when one of his cronies had attempted to take off. Like a rocket, Cho was snapping at his heels. If this man had something to do with the case, then he wasn’t about to let him get away. He felt triumphant when he managed to tackle the man to the floor and got him handcuffed single-handedly. Justice was important to him. It made him feel quietly proud to be on the right side of the law. For too long he had felt guilty about his past. He had probably long since repaid his debt, but he couldn’t help but keep fighting onwards for good.

Rigsby caught up once Cho had hauled the crony to his feet. With a wide grin, Rigsby slapped Cho on the shoulder affectionately and said, ‘Nice one.’

That reaction was enough to tip Cho over the edge. Although Rigsby had only tapped him in good humor, it brought back harrowing memories. Immediately, Cho flipped out, punched Rigsby in the gut before moving away, wheezing as he did so. Technically, he had overreacted, he knew that. However, his mind was currently a mess and he needed to sort himself out. Guiltily, he looked up at his partner, who was clinging hold of the person of interest, but still managed to look like a kicked puppy. Jane had joined them, and Cho knew that was only going to make things worse.

He sighed. Maybe, he considered, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to book a vacation soon.


	5. Chapter 5

“What the hell, happened, Cho?” Lisbon seethed.

“Boss,” he started, but he knew that whatever he said wouldn’t be enough. Lisbon wanted answers. She wanted the case closed. What she _didn’t_ want was trouble and excuses from her second in command. From him, she expected professionalism and support. Punching Wayne Rigsby in the gut certainly didn’t count as either of those. He sucked in a breath of air. A part of him desperately wanted to confide in her, but that meant letting down his barriers. He wasn’t sure if he could do that.

“Kimball,” she said softly, her eyes once again full of concern. “I think you need to stop pushing yourself so hard. If you need any help…”

“I know.”

“Go home, get some rest. We can take the questioning on from here,” she informed him.

Cho considered arguing against it, but in the end he just nodded and gave up. Technically, it was already a late night and he knew that Van Pelt had already gone home too. He wasn’t exactly being sent home, he consoled himself. Besides, she was right. He did need to get some sleep. What with the panic attack and general overreactions to various situations, he was exhausted. Besides, he needed to calm himself down so that he could be ready for a hard day’s work in the morning. The case was beginning to open up in several interesting ways and it wouldn’t close itself. Lisbon was a very capable interrogator; she would be able to deal with the person of interest quite adequately. It was time for him to go home.

When he had finally made it back to his apartment, Cho scraped together a meager dinner of chicken nuggets and fries. After a quick shower, he practically collapsed into his bed. Sleep didn’t come easily. He found himself tossing and turning, simply unable to settle. Cho knew exactly why; once he was asleep, that was when his nightmares would return. That would be when he was zapped back to the past and forced to relive some of the most harrowing memories he had. During the day, he was generally capable of boxing them away, out of sight from other people. At night, that was when he lost control of them.

Until recently, of course. If he hadn’t been kidnapped, if he hadn’t been locked in that safe room (albeit briefly), then maybe he would have been able to continue as usual. But for now, he had to brace himself for what was to come.

_A month ago. He recognized his surroundings instantly. The same streets, the same cars parked on each driveway, the same murky twilight, even the same stray dog running across the streets. He’d been canvassing the neighborhood in a last-ditch effort to try and push the case forwards. It wasn’t going anywhere; Lisbon was piling on the pressure, mostly due to the brass piling the pressure on her. This kind of situation was always exasperating, but what was he meant to do about it? All he could really do was work as hard as feasibly possible in the vain hope of finding that missing link to close the case._

_Then it had happened. Two individuals, dressed in black with balaclavas obscuring their faces approached from behind. Cho had attempted to draw his gun, but he was too slow. One of his captors took it from him and threw it into a nearby bush. Then, he found himself being handcuffed, having his head covered with a burlap sack and being tossed carelessly into the back of an unlicensed vehicle._

_That was when the first panic attack happened. That was when he found himself remembering too much about his past._

_When the car had screeched to a halt, he’d been bundled into a dank cellar, with only a shaft of light coming through a tiny window. For some people, windows like that gave them hope because they could still see the sunlight outside. However, for Cho, it was just another gruesome reminder of his past. But that wasn’t even the worst part of his brief ordeal._

_Next came the beatings. It soon became clear to Cho that these people were definitely guilty of murder and that they would stop at nothing to get away with their heinous crimes. They scratched, punched, kicked at him. He still had bruises from their malicious treatment. During their so-called questioning, they had asked him over and over again, what he knew about the case. What leads the Serious Crimes Unit had found. When he refused to talk, they threatened to kill him. But every time they did so, they left._

_It seemed that his captors did know the cardinal rule about killing cops. If they took it too far with him, then death row would be inevitable. Cops never let cop killers go unpunished. It was as simple as that._

_Less than twenty-four hours into his ordeal, Cho had found himself wondering exactly how he’d came to be in this situation. He was wondering how to escape too. It looked too secure for him to even consider trying. Besides, the window was far too small. It was then that he heard the gunshots, the shouts and then the deathly silence._

_Footsteps padded downstairs and the door to his makeshift cell creaked slowly open._

_Kimball Cho had never been so grateful to see his boss in his entire life._

_Without a word, Lisbon unchained him and led him outside. It felt good to be free. And yet, even then, Cho had suspected that the actual rescue was going to be the least of his problems. He remembered too much about his past. And this time, he didn’t know exactly how he was going to lock it all back away._

Cho woke with a start. This had been one of two recurring nightmares for him. His body was slicked with sweat and yet again, he was finding it hard to breathe. After carrying out a breathing exercise for a couple of minutes, he found that he was able to think a little straighter. He glanced at the clock. It was just gone four am. With a sigh, he hauled himself out of bed and into the shower. There was no point in him trying to sleep again; it would only induce more nightmares. Considering they still had a case on the go, he wanted to at least be somewhat capable of working. Restless sleep most certainly wasn’t going to help.

When he was done showering, he headed towards his kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He had just a few more hours until he was due back at work. Silently, he promised himself that he would keep his emotions under control. The last thing that he wanted was to see Lisbon’s pitying expression one more time, or to have Jane prying even further into his past.


	6. Chapter 6

When Cho headed to the office, his first port of call was the kitchenette. He needed coffee, and fast. As he had gotten up so early in the morning – albeit, not through choice – he found that he required caffeine to just get through the day. When he was stirring sugar into his drink, he heard Lisbon and Jane arguing not too far away. There was nothing too unusual about that. However, when he heard a reference to his name, it was then that he found himself sighing. Cho knew that he shouldn’t have been too surprised that he was the conversation subject, but that wasn’t enough to stop him from feeling incredibly irritated. There was a distinct possibility that Lisbon was using the time to express her concern for him – or, more hopefully, to persuade Jane to stop sticking his nose in where it wasn’t welcome. Whichever was the case, Cho decided it was for the best to rise above it. They had a case to solve.

Later on, when Lisbon briefed the team on the updates in the case, Cho wasn’t surprised to hear that the mobster’s crony wasn’t guilty of murder. However, he felt somewhat validated by the fact that it transpired that the man was actually an illegal immigrant. Even better, he had provided some very useful leads on the case, including a license plate number. That was the one which he was going to be following up with Lisbon. Less enthralling was the fact that that also meant Jane would be joining them too. All he could do was hope and pray that having Lisbon there would at least somehow try and help keep Jane in check.

He consoled himself with the fact that Lisbon had at least not decided to suspend him over the two incidents that occurred yesterday. Cho didn’t know if his sense of pride could have handled that.

“You drive like an old woman,” Jane grumbled as they traveled to chase up the lead. “If you’d let me take over…”

“I drive just fine,” Lisbon snipped back in response. “There is a speed limit for a reason.”

“And we’re also on the trail of a dangerous killer. Don’t you think that time is of the essence here?”

“Newsflash Jane, this isn’t a car chase. I am sticking to the speed limit and there is no way I am letting you drive.”

At least, Cho surmised, they were not talking about him, unlike Rigsby and Jane yesterday. Then again, the boss was far too polite to allow that kind of conversation to happen. Regardless, Cho still felt uncomfortable. He was long since used to the childish bickering of Teresa Lisbon and Patrick Jane, but that wasn’t the issue. The main problem was the obvious tense undercurrent running throughout the car. The proverbial pink elephant in the room, as it were. It was clear that Jane wanted to talk Cho and his sudden outbursts; he was desperate for the opportunity to needle him. However, he hadn’t had a single opportunity to corner him.

Jane quickly became the least of his worries. As soon as they pulled into a dingy motel’s parking lot, they saw the suspect’s car pulling out of it. He had clearly gotten a tip-off about the cops being on his trail.

Cho quickly decided that this was Lisbon’s fault. She had cursed them by bringing up a car chase and now, the lead they were chasing up had just turned into one. Or maybe, he mused, it was Jane’s fault for needling Lisbon in the first place. But really, it didn’t matter. All that did matter was whether or not they actually caught the perp.

Cho rested his hand on his holster as Lisbon expertly maneuvered the car. He knew that she was unfamiliar with the area, but Jane wasn’t. Every so often, Jane shouted instructions to her, which she quickly followed and they were soon right on the tail of the suspect. It seemed to take forever for the suspect to eventually take a wrong turn down an alley and soon enough, they had him cornered.

As soon as the car grew to a screeching halt, Cho was out of the vehicle, and onto the suspect. The man was armed, but that didn’t faze Cho. However, he knew he would feel a hell of a lot better once this man was in handcuffs and in the back seat of the SUV, being driven back to Sacramento for questioning. He was a dangerous individual, who had killed a man in cold blood. All the evidence pointed towards him. Van Pelt had confirmed some more details as they had traveled to the motel. In reality, they just needed a confession and then the case would be closed.

“Put the gun down,” Cho said calmly, but kept his weapon trailed on the suspect. “We don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”

He felt a little safer when Lisbon was by his side. There was safety in numbers. It wasn’t worth it for the suspect to kill the both of them before trying to make his escape. Cho could see the fear – and the realization – in his eyes. Therefore, it wasn’t a surprise in the slightest when he dropped his gun and made a dash for it. Lisbon was the first to react and was hot on his heels. However, Cho could see the man veering away. Quickly, he stood in the way and caught the suspect in his open arms.

“Nice catch,” Lisbon muttered through deep breaths.

“Couldn’t have done it without you, boss,” Cho replied honestly.

It was a good two hours before they were back at CBI headquarters. Lisbon went in ahead with the suspect while Cho quickly parked the car. Jane had lingered behind, much to Cho’s irritation, but he didn’t bother to talk to him. Sometimes, it was better to just ignore Jane; usually he just got bored and then disappeared. However, it seemed that that wasn’t the case this time around. Cho had a shrinking suspicion that he knew what was coming. Jane had been looking for this moment for far too long. He wanted to know why Cho was so messed up at the moment, why he had never really recovered from his attack a month ago. After all, it all dated from long before he had even heard of the California Bureau of Investigation.

They headed inside together. Cho eyed the elevator warily and Jane smiled at him. He made his way to the stairs, but Jane stopped him.

“Why not take the elevator?”

“Why not walk?” Cho countered.

“Anyone would think you were scared…” Jane prodded lightly.

Cho had seen that coming, but gritted his teeth and strode into that little metal box anyway. He didn’t want to give Jane the pleasure of unnerving him so well.

However, he quickly found he regretted that decision when he heard three loud clunks. The elevator stopped abruptly and the lights went out, descending them into darkness.

The panic attack that followed was almost inevitable.


	7. Chapter 7

Jane remained patient and calm as he talked Cho out of the panic attack. By focusing on the consultant alone, Cho slowly but surely found it easier to breathe and regain his senses. The emergency lighting had kicked in which at least graced them with some form of vision.  None of that stopped him from feeling terrified at the situation and desperate to escape the elevator, but at least he could focus now. Jane smiled at him gamely, and it was then that Cho grew especially annoyed.

“What did you do?” he asked bitterly, but Jane just remained calm.

“I didn’t do anything.”

Initially, Cho wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. It was obvious that Jane was an exceptionally good liar and that he could talk himself out of any situation. However, was it really physically possible for Jane to break an elevator in some way when he was inside of it? He certainly wasn’t capable of that without assistance. And who would help him do such a thing? Lisbon and Van Pelt definitely wouldn’t. Rigsby was a possibility, but out of the question considering he was busy in court. At least, that was what Cho believed Rigsby had said during the meeting this morning.

Whatever had happened, Cho wasn’t sure whether he could truly believe it was serendipity, fate or just Jane’s meddling. For now, he had to make the best of a bad situation.

“You have claustrophobia,” Jane stated calmly.

“Not exactly,” Cho immediately denied.

He didn’t really want to confide in Jane, but he had no choice. Cho knew that Jane wasn’t the type of person to willfully spread gossip around. However, he was still Patrick Jane and giving him even the slightest modicum of control meant he could manipulate others. Cho wasn’t entirely sure that he could trust Jane to use this information solely to help him or if he would use it for later reference.

“It’s gotten worse since the kidnapping incident,” Jane continued when Cho remained stonily silent. “I’d hazard a guess that it’s because of flashbacks. From your army days?”

Reluctantly, Cho nodded. There was no point in him denying it. Even though he prided himself on his stoicism, Cho knew that Jane could still read him fairly easily. If he lied, Jane would have been able to tell in a heartbeat.

“I can help.”

“How?” Cho asked, his voice sounding surprisingly strangled.

“Several ways. Breathing techniques, hypnotism,” Jane suggested, but he didn’t stop there. “You have exceptional control of your mind and body, Cho. You’ve just forgotten it due to what happened.”

“What do I need to do?”

“Tell me as much as you feel comfortable.”

Cho nodded, took a deep breath and said what he needed to say.

_He was in Afghanistan when it happened. Fighting a pointless war where there were going to be no winners; only losers. Kimball Cho didn’t argue with instructions, not anymore. Army training had ironed out all of the kinks, made him into a respectable human being. He was entirely grateful for the freedom they had given him. As a consequence, he knew that there was a job that needed doing. If he could bring even a little bit of hope, a tiny bit of peace to this godforsaken land, then maybe he would feel like it had been a job well done._

_He and his partner were infiltrating enemy land. They’d heard rumors of kids being used as suicide bombers and that absolutely needed stopping. Cho had been told to rescue a group of these orphans from a dilapidated house before it was too late. That was all that was on his mind. No kid deserved to be manipulated against their will. It was a lesson that he’d learned all too young._

_The house was guarded by rebels. They shot, once, twice, three times. Cho swore under his breath as his partner was pelted down like a rag doll. He was standing barely two meters away from him. Cho knew that it could so easily have been him shot to death on the ground. Swiftly, Cho returned fire, using his training as a sniper to take down three of the enemy. But without backup, he had neglected to look behind him. It all happened too quickly, the blindfolding, the chaining, the kidnap. They were going to use him for ransom._

_But Cho knew there was always going to be more to it than that. These men had seen their kin being shot down. They had seen them being imprisoned in order to interrogate them, to get key information in attempt to calm this area down. They wanted revenge. They wanted him to suffer._

_He was kept in what was essentially a cage. There was a small barred window which let light in. At first, Cho had found it peaceful. Eventually, it just became a taunt. Scant food and regular beatings were all a part of his daily routine. They wanted to know what the US army had planned for them, but they also didn’t care how they treated Cho in order to get the information out of him. He didn’t say a word and that only riled them up even more. Water-boarding followed, something that Cho knew was used in Guantanamo Bay. In a bitter sort of way, Cho found himself relating to the prisoners held captured in that awful excuse for a jail._

_When his army unit finally tracked him down, came to rescue him, the damage had already been done. He gained his freedom, but at a price. The army helped to rehabilitate him, to make him physically and mentally strong again, but he was given an honorable discharge. Kimball Cho had become too damaged for them to risk sending him back out there._

_It was only when his ex-Sergeant Major provided him with contact details for the California Bureau of Investigation that he realized that his life might not necessarily be over._

Cho didn’t tell Jane everything about his experiences in Afghanistan, but enough to give him something to work with. For what felt like forever, Jane worked with him, taught him how to get his emotions back under control. Slowly but surely, Cho felt like everything was getting put back into place, just as it ought to be. Eventually, he found himself questioning why it had required a situation like this for him to admit defeat and ask Jane for help. But that didn’t matter, not anymore. Things were finally going to get back to normal. Jane had given him back the tools he had lost, and for that, Cho was entirely grateful.

Regardless of that, Cho couldn’t deny that he was infinitely grateful when the elevator doors sprang back open. Standing in front of it was a harried looking Teresa Lisbon. She glanced cautiously at Jane first, who must have made some expression for her to understand that this incident wasn’t his fault. Cho imagined that later on, she would really question him about it. For now, it seemed like he was her concern rather than the troublesome consultant.

Tentatively, she reached out and touched Cho on the arm.

“You okay?” she asked quietly.

“Never better,” he replied.


End file.
